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How to win elections in Nigeria

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So you want to contest at the next elections in 2019? Here are some tips to help you. Please before you star abusing us, this post is satire o! Continue reading.

1.) Share money

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Who doesn’t like money? Make sure you have tons of it though and some saved just in case you don’t win. When giving out the money make sure you look at your detractors, your eyes must say “we have just started, there is more”.

2.) Eat like the common man.

corn

Nothing says you are a man of the people like corn. Especially if bought from a roadside seller. Make sure you have two cobs though, it is important that your voters believe that you are like them, however the extra cob is to ensure they know their place. You are boss!

 3.) Eat with the common man

amala

They say the man that eats alone dies alone. You don’t want this do you? So you need to eat with the people, make sure they feel like you are one of them. But still keep a distance. The chairs either side of you must be empty.

4.) Show the people that you are a feminist

braiding

Nigeria has changed, you can’t be like the old politicians who felt women and men had different roles. If you have to braid hair, braid it. Even if the other woman there finds it funny. There is nothing funny about losing elections.

5.) Go through their daily struggles for one minute.
flood
You must show the people that you are able, capable and ready to go through what they are going through. Even if your education tells you that wading in such water could lead to a disease that might ensure you don’t get to finish your term, do it. Even if there are wet suits available, do not use them, such action separates you from the people you hope to serve you you hope to serve.

6.) Show that you love God, Nigerians are a “religious” people.
religion

Nigerians love God, not necessarily his ways. But that is not your concern. Your concern is to show them that you love “God”, and depending on your state it should be their own version of God.

7.) Quench their thirst.
water

Elections happen during summer in Nigeria. Here, summer is very hot. Don’t forget the voters. “Pure water” can be a very convincing tool on election day.

8.) On election day, go low key.
oka
African politicians don’t do bicycles (Obalaya enviromentalists, they are enemies of progress. Ignore the President of Burundi’s stunt, he is desperate and you are Nigerian). Use a motorcycle or Okada as they are called here. Hide you security staff amongst the touts, no one will know, after all, that is what they really are.

9.) Step down in the right place
buruji-and-fayose-eating-amala
Election is over. Time to step down. You can’t eff it up at this point. No stepping down at Hilton or Sheraton. You step down at a local “food place” with at least one homie (doesn’t matter if the person is wanted) and ensure their is a Twitter overlord to take pictures.

10.) And when you win? Dance.
danso
Don’t forget to dance when you win. You don’t need security on this day, your enemies are on their way to contest your victory at some silly tribunal.

Or you can ignore these steps and just be honest like this Ugandan politician.

Mununuzi1

 

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